exploring who I am

At hospital on Friday we started the final session of looking at core beliefs. You take your beliefs down to the base looking at yourself, others and the world. I don't think this should be the final session as it is a huge area to explore, but mine were:

• I am a bad person
• Others are untrustworthy
• The world is a dangerous place

My reasons for stating Im a bad person is because of the things I did when I was young and the poor way I brought my children up.

I'm finding this very hard to writ about although it was easier to talk about on Friday.

Basically I abused my brothers and sister, probably also some of my cousins too. \its no wonder no-one likes me!

As a mother I was crap. Although I hated the abuse my mother inflicted on us, I then did the same to my children. At least my mother only left us at night, \i left thee girls in that house with the monster that is my father. Knowing what he did to me I still left them. I suppose it was inevitable that he would also abuse them. Did I have doubts - a couple of times but I still did nothing about it.

D said that perhaps my mother was in denial and thats why she went out as much and drank so often, but whats my excuse.

I was so immersed in my own hurt my own pain that I left the girls wide open to the same abuse I sufferred and worse. Perhaps If I had sorted myself out long ago they would not have had to go through this.

I am supposed to find an alternative balanced thought for each of the three core beliefs and then find evidence to support the balanced thought.

My balanced thought was something along the lines of "although I did bad things in the past, I am learning new skills to cope with this" - maybe. It feels like this is only the beginning of where I should start - not the end.