Monday, July 31, 2006

medicine wheel

In the medicine wheel of th first peoples WEST represents where I am now = Later adulthood Autumn, the time of the setting sun - twilight.
This is seen as a time of gradual change. When the darkness comes we must look inward to find the light and have courage. To understand what we see in the darkness may not be real but only shadows.
This is the emotional part of ourselves, like the flowing water we must learn to go with the flow of life. The time of the West is when we learn that we are responsible to all things and to each other. It is the time to prepare, to finish things for the time of Winter is coming. We gather ourselves and family, working together to prepare for what is to come.
It is hard work and team efforts. Black symbolizes change from this life.
I have to learn to go with the flow of my emotions, to listen to the voices and not block them out, to explore the past and my part in it. Why I am such a bad person and what made me so.
I must look at the aging process as a time to reflect and change and to embrace that change brfore the coming of the night of WHITE NORTH time.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Low

feeling particularly low today - no real reason why

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Fogged


I woke up "fogged". The brain just isn't working. Had a very disturbed night. Heat and forgetting to take my pills combined to make it so. I was beating the children up in my dreams again. Rage and violence. Now I feel guilty.
And I've got my first driving lesson today as well. Maybe 2 wasn't a good time to book it as thats when I start to feel tired again. Well too late now - i'm sure it'll be okay.
I was thinking more about "everythings okay" and I realised a lot of it is there is no passion in life, no rage, no violence but no joie de vivre or love and lust either. Is this a good thing? A homogonised life, a bland life?
Two weeks after Patch, Rowan started her season today. So that'll be January for mating and April for pups again. Give us something to look forward to.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

"just okay"

I was watching tv and a comment from a girl in a story stuck me as being so true. She said of her meds "they stop you feeling! Yes you're never really down any more, but you're never up either - just okay. Life becomes bland and just okay"

Monday, July 17, 2006

Anam Cara


http://www.anamcara.org/


"The Ancient Ways 1 is an introductory workshop to Shamanism, which is one of the most ancient and widespread body/mind healing techniques known to mankind. Shamanism was practiced in all continents of the world. In Britain this would include the Celtic and Pictish peoples. Through the use of this ancient method the practitioner undertakes what is called a “Shamanic Journey” for healing purposes, problem solving and general well-being – either for the self, the community, another individual, or the land and its inhabitants.
This weekend workshop will introduce you to the basic principles of core-shamanism and it will include;
introduction to Shamanism
introduction to shamanic drumming
shamanic journeys
finding your Power Animals and Spirit Helpers
movement, chant and song
teachings of the Medicine Wheel
exercises to deepen your connection with nature and the elements
participation in a ‘community healing’."




Only two and a half weeks to go. I'm getting pretty nervous about it. Although a weekend away sounds like heaven when it's months away as it gets closer i'm not so sure. Haven't practiced drum or anything.
I'm just so unsure of how it will be. How i'll cope without my afternoon sleep. Just everything.


Just got up. Its 4pm and the dogs woke me - now they are lying sleeping under the desk at my feet. It's 27 degrees and far too hot to do anything. Even the wind is warm.
Got nothing to do and as P is sleeping can't do anything anyway.


Finally booked a driving lesson. Wednesday at 2pm. Just need to find my driving licence now! Don't feel as nervous about that as I do about Anam Cara!

It sounds good but... what if I make a fool of myself in front of strangers!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

All day i've been thinking about this

but only just managed to get round to it now.
Was in a fairly good mood this a.m but P was very depressed and that seemed to bring me down. went back to bed at 12 noon. Didnt see any point in staying up.
Ate 4 peanut kitkats! They are just soooooo good - and Tesco's sells 4 packs. Did that last night too - over a 1000 calories - no wonder i'm fat! The creamy dreamy melt in the mouth topping combined with the crispy biscuity crunch and thicky chunky chocolate is just too hard to resist.

Got a huge sore spot on my eyelid too and just want to cry now. My mood has been so up and down today. This morning i was going to go online and write blog but forget what about now. 2.30pm : Went to Montrose with E and bought new pyjamas. The top is a blue camisole and the bottoms are 3/4 length (supposedly - but on me the come to just above my ankles), white with 70's wallpaper patterns on them. Came home around 5 and went back to bed. I'm sure my mother had bathroom wallpaper just like these jamy bottoms!
Resisted the temptation to buy more peanut kitkats but did give in to a toblerone - but I managed to buy only one.
Patch is being hyper. Her season is just coming to an end and all she seems to do is just cry to get out. There isnt another dog around for over half a mile but she stands in the garden, nose in the air, sniffing for all she is worth, yipping very couple of minutes in a tragic mating call that might just be carried to an awaiting dog. Rowan didnt do any of this she just let it pass as if it was an everyday occurance. Will have to remember to book vet to have Patchie speyed. Hopefully it will time in with the October holidays and E will be able to take us up to Aberdeen. Mind you - I might be driving by then - wouldn't that be good!

Monday, July 10, 2006

Time Differences published at 8.03am 10th July

but the post seems to be labelling it 8 or 8 1/2 hours behind - wonder how I can fix that!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

What a fantastic dream

I forgot to take my pills yesterday and instead of the usual nightmare, I had such a fantastic dream. It seemed to last all night. I either woke up or came very close to the surface a couple of times and I remember thinking that I should write it down quickly before I forget, and that it would make a fantastic novel. It was of one womans journey through life, however it started off being based in the late C13th/early C14th but ended up her dying in the C20th. All in the space of 60 or so years. The details are fading already - she was fleeing from war, had two daughters one of whom went off to the Holy Land with a man, the other stayed with her. A man accompannied her on her journey, not her husband but he became a faithful partner who remained with her through bad times and good until he died several years before her. They wanted a child but it was not to be. Her journey took her across oceans on a ship and by walking. It was a difficult turbulent journey at times, especially in the early years. She was conned several times but at last found a comfortable life however, she always wanted to return home, but that place just didnt exist anymore. Her final journey was to be to return to her birthplace, but she died peacefully on board the train taking her there. Which was just as well for she would have been very disappointed at how much it had changed and it would have no longer felt like home. Published 7.45ish am Monday 10th July
stolen from someone elses blog

"I thought I'd share the definition of BPD here, from the National Institute of Mental Health:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women. There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases. Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations. Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

Symptoms
While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone. People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.

Treatment
Treatments for BPD have improved in recent years. Group and individual psychotherapy are at least partially effective for many patients. Within the past 15 years, a new psychosocial treatment termed dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) was developed specifically to treat BPD, and this technique has looked promising in treatment studies. Pharmacological treatments are often prescribed based on specific target symptoms shown by the individual patient. Antidepressant drugs and mood stabilizers may be helpful for depressed and/or labile mood. Antipsychotic drugs may also be used when there are distortions in thinking.

Recent Research Findings
Although the cause of BPD is unknown, both environmental and genetic factors are thought to play a role in predisposing patients to BPD symptoms and traits. Studies show that many, but not all individuals with BPD report a history of abuse, neglect, or separation as young children. Forty to 71 percent of BPD patients report having been sexually abused, usually by a non-caregiver. Researchers believe that BPD results from a combination of individual vulnerability to environmental stress, neglect or abuse as young children, and a series of events that trigger the onset of the disorder as young adults. Adults with BPD are also considerably more likely to be the victim of violence, including rape and other crimes. This may result from both harmful environments as well as impulsivity and poor judgement in choosing partners and lifestyles. NIMH-funded neuroscience research is revealing brain mechanisms underlying the impulsivity, mood instability, aggression, anger, and negative emotion seen in BPD. Studies suggest that people predisposed to impulsive aggression have impaired regulation of the neural circuits that modulate emotion. The amygdala, a small almond-shaped structure deep inside the brain, is an important component of the circuit that regulates negative emotion. In response to signals from other brain centers indicating a perceived threat, it marshals fear and arousal. This might be more pronounced under the influence of drugs like alcohol, or stress. Areas in the front of the brain (pre-frontal area) act to dampen the activity of this circuit. Recent brain imaging studies show that individual differences in the ability to activate regions of the prefrontal cerebral cortex thought to be involved in inhibitory activity predict the ability to suppress negative emotion.Serotonin, norepinephrine and acetylcholine are among the chemical messengers in these circuits that play a role in the regulation of emotions, including sadness, anger, anxiety, and irritability. Drugs that enhance brain serotonin function may improve emotional symptoms in BPD. Likewise, mood-stabilizing drugs that are known to enhance the activity of GABA, the brain's major inhibitory neurotransmitter, may help people who experience BPD-like mood swings. Such brain-based vulnerabilities can be managed with help from behavioral interventions and medications, much like people manage susceptibility to diabetes or high blood pressure.

Future Progress
Studies that translate basic findings about the neural basis of temperament, mood regulation, and cognition into clinically relevant insights which bear directly on BPD represent a growing area of NIMH-supported research. Research is also underway to test the efficacy of combining medications with behavioral treatments like DBT, and gauging the effect of childhood abuse and other stress in BPD on brain hormones. Data from the first prospective, longitudinal study of BPD, which began in the early 1990s, is expected to reveal how treatment affects the course of the illness. It will also pinpoint specific environmental factors and personality traits that predict a more favorable outcome. The Institute is also collaborating with a private foundation to help attract new researchers to develop a better understanding and better treatment for BPD. "


forgive the theft but this is one of the best descriptions i have found.

bring, bring, brrrrrrrrr

We have all these free minutes on the mobiles and we cant even use a 10th of them. On one phone i have 100mins free and i used none and on the other a call/text allowance of £180 of which i used £16! But I don't know anyone to talk to and evn if i did i can't sit on the phone chatting for hours about nothing. Make you ask the question - do i really need these phones?

Lazy Sunday Afternoon...


and i'm in bed again!

Saturday, July 08, 2006

NSPCC Ad = £2 a week


This Advert really depresses me. The depiction of hurt children and the over dub talking of abuse just really gets to me and makes me change channels the minute the ad starts.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Prisoner from cell block W


It makes me feel like a prisoner being locked in all the time! P just has not got to grips with this feling sfae thing. He is convinced J is out to get him. But I just feel trapped. We live in a lovely house in the middle of nowhere where there is absolutley no need to lock doors but still he persists in doing it. The unrational me says it is just to have a go at me about J, but the rational me knows that it is that he has fears he just will NOT face.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

As a blogger I am a disaster.

Inverness April 2006

I neither entertain nor inspire. I don't even bore enough to have that compulsiveness about my blogs. I read other peoples blogs and think I wish I could be as funny, as witty, as eclectic as that. But I fail ... miserably.

4th July and yet again it is very dull and overcast, windy too by the looks of the bushes outside.
This is me - what have I done in the last 24 hours. Went food shopping - nothing even remotely worth passing comment on happenned. Then went to bed at 1pm for the rest of the day. This is my life. What happenned to the 3 jobs, out each night, exciting me. I became middle aged and almost as grey as the weather.

Okay I've now slept all day (from 10.30am til 3pm) and woke up just as tired. I drank one solitary bottle of alcopops and have a burning belly, pain in my wrists and shoulders. Maybe I should just give up now.