meandrings

I.ve been looking at th suggestion that I might best find the support and guidance I need by joining a theraputic community. Two things worry me about it - firstly the travelling involved, it would be like travelling to a job in th city and secondly, what about afterwards? I'm scared by the idea of the changes that might come about through it. Maybe i.m scared of being "normal".

Dentists and doughnuts...

Had the dentist today - but just needed a touch of varnish on a tooth - all that stress for nothing!
Slept all day again. Forgot the cleaner was coming and everything!
donuts - didnt have any :-) just sounded like a good title.

Better late than never...

cliches
but true?
I did it again - started something I don't keep up with. What has happened in the last few days? Absolutely nothing. Well not quite true - it was our 10th wedding anniversary on the summer solstice,

put my hand on your heart and feel it beat
feel it pulsate. Driving your life
Put my hand on your head and feel the heat
Feel the energy. Guiding your life

cant finish it, know the sentiment - love and parallel paths but the words wont come.


bought on ebay - a brown silver cross dolls pram, a big gazebo, some charms and ink.

Today this old poem is particularly true:

Knife

freed from constraint
freed from the past
freed from pain
you free me
8/88

Consquences

Fly the Flag
accept the
consequences

Swings & Roundabouts

"While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day." http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm

Today I have felt all of these and more: overwhelming sadness, lethargy, lack of motivation, anger, depression, anxiety and weepyness. But I did cook for myself for the first time in weeks. It was only sticking a pie and chips in the oven but thats the closest I've come to cooking :-)

"waves of darkness roll over me, suck me under, pull me down"

A Deep Dark Day!

Mood: Feeling extremely depressed and empty, even suicidal, hurting inside.

"Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. " http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm

Yep I think this is me. Maybe thats why I feel my children have abandoned me and dont love me any more. Though I never really did think that they did love me. Also why I hate going on holiday without P, because I think he will have gotten used to me not being there and not want me back, and probably why the embarrasing OU summer school incident happened. I do feel worthless and that if i'm not there reminding them of my presence and what I can do for them then they won't remember me! Or rather just won't think of me. Maybe too this is why I need constant assurances of love.

Need to de-stress

I sometimes wish I could be even 1/10th as interesting as other bloggers.
I'm feeling extremely stressed today. My "e" key keeps sticking and won't work unless you touch it in a certain way! Although thats not bad because P's laptop touchpad has just stopped working entirely - and it's less than 3 months old!
What with that and other things he's a real grumpy bear. It just changes the whole atmosphere - I can feel tangible tension in the air.
I need some chilling music, some calming incense and a *large* glass of wine.

I had terrible dreams earlier, but although I knew I wanted to, I just couldn't wake up. In the dream I kept trying to run away but was unable to move my legs. I knew I was dreaming and was telling myself just wake up and it'll all be okay.
When I did wake up I had a thick head and a lingering feeling of being trapped.

-

Todays ebay purchases:

3 silver charms, a bat, a witch and a broomstick

and a pair of silver and amber earings

today is another day

why do they say "life is a bed of roses" ? Is it because it is uncomfortable, full of thorns, aphids and looks nicer than it really is.

Song - Bon Jovi "Bed of Roses"...



... later
I'm feeling really low today, no particular reason why, just can't seem to get any enthusiasm for anything. Wanted to make some soap... couldn't be bothered. Wanted to make and pack some items I sold on ebay... did 2 and couldn't be bothered.
*BUT* I don't feel as angry today. Just want to lie in bed and sleep or at least drift quietly without anything disturbing me, but then if i did - I'd get bored and lonely. I'm so needy! I hate being alone. Even if one of the dogs is with me it's not as bad; but they're off playing.

World Cup ... not here
Big Brother ... who cares!
Is there any news? well not on the aol welcome page and i can't be bothered searching.

I have such a disfunctional relationship with my oldest daughter. I love her to bits but I just don't understand her, and don't think she even likes me.

**TRIGGER**
I feel so much like cutting myself but so far I've managed not to. Maybe thats where the anger has gone. So far I'm managing just to keep myself hungry, feeling hunger distracts.

Maybe going to sleep would be the best thing I could do!

Can we fix it...

How do people actually DO these blog things. How do you remember to do it - I have been trying to keep a mood diary this year and have sooooo many gaps where I forget to do it.

I'm attending a CBT group and an Understanding Depression group at the moment (well not right now obviously - just at this time in my life).
Does it help? I don't know yet. The social side certainly brightens up my otherwise grey life. I have recently completed an Anxiety group and I do feel it helped so i'll stick with it and see how it goes.

Do I have Borderline Personality Disorder? Well thats how they diagnosed me so I looked it up online and found this:
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is one of the most controversial diagnoses in psychology today. Since it was first introduced in the DSM, psychologists and psychiatrists have been trying to give the somewhat amorphous concepts behind BPD a concrete form. ...

Linehan theorizes that borderlines are born with an innate biological tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress than others and to take longer to recover. They peak "higher" emotionally on less provocation and take longer coming down. In addition, they were raised in environments in which their beliefs about themselves and their environment were continually devalued and invalidated. These factors combine to create adults who are uncertain of the truth of their own feelings and who are confronted by three basic dialectics they have failed to master (and thus rush frantically from pole to pole of):

• vulnerability vs invalidation
• active passivity (tendency to be passive when confronted with a problem and actively seek a rescuer) vs apparent competence (appearing to be capable when in reality internally things are falling apart)
• unremitting crises vs inhibited grief.

http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/bpd.html

Is this me? ~???~

The following points certainly do seem to describe how I feel/think:

• low anxiety tolerance, poor impulse control, and an undeveloped or poor ability to enjoy work or hobbies in a meaningful way.
• have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds.
• chaotic, extreme relationships with others
• Repetitive self-destructive behavior, often designed to prompt rescue.
• Chronic fear of abandonment and panic when forced to be alone.
• Distorted thoughts/perceptions, particularly in terms of relationships and interactions with others.
• Hypersensitivity, meaning an unusual sensitivity to nonverbal communication.
• Impulsive behaviors that often embarrass the borderline later.

Though I acknowledge the above traits in myself I do not recognise some of the others mentioned in this article.

http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/bpd.html

None of this however addresses the extrmely uncomfortable feelings I get when people (including family members) touch me. Even a cuddle from the kids makes me feel squeamish. Yet looking back 20 or so years ago I would say that I was a very touchy/feely person.

I don't know where I'm going with this blog I just know that I want to explore me and my depression and this seemed like a good place to start. Hopefully I will be able to look more in depth at these points and see if I can describe how these affect me.