Dr Crippens Blog makes me think...

I've spent the last couple of hours reading Dr. John Crippens Blog and comments.
This really made me think. I address my Doc as Doctor M in person and think of him as Doctor Pat - he addressess me and P by our first names. This seems entirely right. Maybe because I feel that because my prenom is of my choosing, it reflects my identity better than Mrs. C (I tend to use Ms. rather than Mrs. anyway)

I would never dream of calling any Doctor by their first or given name - even if asked I think.

Nurses however I would normally address as they introduce themselves.

Closer to home, when A first brought her boyfriend home she introduced him as S, which is what I have always called him. She, her Dad and almost everyone else calls him by his nickname. For me that just doesnt feel comfortable. So what do I do? Call him S, which he dislikes, call him Bubba, which makes me cringe or just try hard to avoid saying his name at all!

Too depressed to Blog even

Its been a very down week. Haven't even looked at the "Breaking Free" workbook let aalone work on it. I've got a bee in my bonnet about my fathers upcoming 70th birthday. I've been dreaming about it a lot and the thought seems to be with me all day at the moment.

Did manage to Scrapbook 2 more pages, Christmas 1990. But even that upset me because it reminds me that we dont have a christmas any more.

Again I have spent far too much money, more than a weeks worth in one day, yesterday and today i've only been out of bed for about 4 hours.

GG my Mental Health Social Worker is coming tomorrow morning so maybe I can talk it through with her.

visit

A came to see me - hurrah!!!!! but I was bad and slept for 2 hours :-(

4 times i tried to upload her picture in here and 4 times aol cut me off! - musnt like her face
Nope even trying a different photo did it!

Very unhealthy day yesterday - food for day constisted of 3 cakes, 2 toblerones and a bit of Garlic Bread and cheese! And today isnt much better.

Breaking Free

Help for Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Carolyn Ainscough & Kay Toon, Sheldon Press, ISBN 0-85969-810-6

Section i

Chapter 1: Survival and Recovery

advises writing about stuff so thats what i'm going to try to do.

Chapter 2: Survivors Speak Out

I do find reading others accounts of abuse very upsetting even when they are wildly different from my own. I don't know if I could do as these people have done and talk in such an easy way about abuse.

Chapter 3: The Damage Caused by Sexual Abuse.

"When a child is abused, especially by a relative or someone she knows and likes, her trust in that person is betrayed."
Exercise 1
Look at the effects of sexual abuse listed in Table 1 and tick off any that apply to you:

• fears
• anxiety
• phobias
• nervousness
• nightmares
• sleep problems
• depression
• shame
• guilt
• lack of self-confidence
• feeling different from others
• feeling self-conscious
• suicide attempts
• self-harming
• dissociating
• creating different identities
• binge-eating
• no interest in sex
• avoiding specific sexual activities
• feeling unable to say "No" to sex
• flashbacks
• hearing the abuser's voice when he isn't there
• seeing the abusers face when he isn't there
• confusion about sexual orientation
• marrying young to get away from home
• marital problems
• drug problems
• alcohol problems
• abusing others
• clinging and being extremely dependent
• anger
• hostility
• distrusting people
• difficulty in being able to judge people's trustworthiness
• physical problems

More Memories

Rough hands with scratchy skin and broken rough nails rubbing up my inner thighs and prodding my delicate inner areas. I complain that it hurts and he spits on his hands. I think that grossed me out even more. Yellow waffle nylon tshirt with cement and brick-dust and smelling of sweat pressed up against me. I moan because it hurts and he moves faster saying "yes, yes, thats it just relax"

12th Rock from the Sun and other News

An artist's rendering of Xena … officially known as UB313 … now the 12th and farthest planet from the sun.

well since blogs are traditionally supposed to focus on news and current events what can I say

• Terror Alerts - not relevant to my life. A shame for those directly affected
• War in Israel - as above
• Rising energy costs - c'est la vie
• Soldier pardoned after 90 years - no before time, but doesnt compensate his family for his shortened life.
• 12 Planets - or 8 plants and 4+ plutons (I do hope they stick with Xena as a name; and they could call any accompanying moon Gabrielle) Will make the astrologers have to have a rethink.

As can be noted current events and news are intersting but not particularly important in my life

memories

I sat on the couch watching the magic roundabout. My sister sat on his knee watching. I watched as he patted her knee and ran his large rough hand down her tiny body. He hovered over her chest fondling her small puffy nipples. I knew then what was in store for her. This was my fault - it was because i pushed him away last night. I felt angry... and jealous. I wouldnt be his "special girl" any more. I ran to my room and cried tears of shame and anger.

Deep Depression

"sometimes I just want to walk around with a sign round my neck that says I'm a fuckup!"

I just can't seem to rouse any enthusiasm for anything today.
I just want to cry. To howl actually. To retreat into my safe space (bed) and never come out

exploring who I am

At hospital on Friday we started the final session of looking at core beliefs. You take your beliefs down to the base looking at yourself, others and the world. I don't think this should be the final session as it is a huge area to explore, but mine were:

• I am a bad person
• Others are untrustworthy
• The world is a dangerous place

My reasons for stating Im a bad person is because of the things I did when I was young and the poor way I brought my children up.

I'm finding this very hard to writ about although it was easier to talk about on Friday.

Basically I abused my brothers and sister, probably also some of my cousins too. \its no wonder no-one likes me!

As a mother I was crap. Although I hated the abuse my mother inflicted on us, I then did the same to my children. At least my mother only left us at night, \i left thee girls in that house with the monster that is my father. Knowing what he did to me I still left them. I suppose it was inevitable that he would also abuse them. Did I have doubts - a couple of times but I still did nothing about it.

D said that perhaps my mother was in denial and thats why she went out as much and drank so often, but whats my excuse.

I was so immersed in my own hurt my own pain that I left the girls wide open to the same abuse I sufferred and worse. Perhaps If I had sorted myself out long ago they would not have had to go through this.

I am supposed to find an alternative balanced thought for each of the three core beliefs and then find evidence to support the balanced thought.

My balanced thought was something along the lines of "although I did bad things in the past, I am learning new skills to cope with this" - maybe. It feels like this is only the beginning of where I should start - not the end.

Wrong side of the bed

I obviously just woke up wrong this am because it's not even 8.30 and already i've stomped a spider and had to have a peanut kitkat fix.
I just feel soooooo angry - and i've nothing to be angry at. The only dream i remember is one where I was out trying to buy a plain blank notebook and could find everything else but that.
Phoned A about holiday and she's amazingly grumpy. She sounded all bright and cheery until she asked time and I told her. Still don't have details of holiday arranged and I go on Friday.
Haven't mentioned in blog that I had an accident on Wednesday last week and almost broke my elbow! - It's still amazingly sore and also has got really itchy.
Had a driving lesson last night. Drove all the way to Edzell and around Fettercairn. I even managed to get up to 50 miles an hour without feeling too out of control. Bends in the road still scare me - feel I go to fast at them but instructor says don't brake. Felt comfortable driving at 30mph. Maybe I will manage to learn after all!

Reviewed some of my blog postings. Since I obsessively click next blog I realise just how boring mine is... ahh well, cant be good at everything :-)