Theraputic Community

Got a letter this am confirming that I have to attend an assesment session at the theraputic community.
How do I feel about this?
I'm not sure. I know that this type of thing is what I need to bring me back half way to being "normal" but it's a pretty large commitment. 5 days a week for about a year. And I have to get there myself. On Tuesday I will cycle into the village and get the bus, but what about in the winter. If it is pouring of rain I will not want to go. And i'm not looking forward to doing the bus journey every day on my own.
Will I cope?
I really don't know. P doesnt want me to do it as he will be left alone. Lets just wait and see

yes i'm grey

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

saved ramblings from the recent past

Saved from my deleted blog:
1/20/2003 11:52:57 PM ]
spent ages yesterday writing a piece on memory, and when i tried to upload it it gateway timedout on me! Lost the lot. Dont remember exactly what I wrote which is basically what it was all about. How memory is a funny thing and how you can remember incidents years later yet can remember where you put your glasses 10 minutes ago. My first clear memory is from when I was aged between 3 and 4, being carried downstairs wrapped in a plaid into the living room where it was nice and warm and there was a big fire glowing. Mum was in the kitchen making porrige and then dad brought my brother in similarly wrapped to me. The milk was kept in a red bucket full of water under the sink and the water had frozen and it took them ages to get it out to put in the porridge. Its a really vivid and clear memory yet it was nothing special or traumatic. Six months earlier i had falled into the fire and burnt my elbow, yet I dont remember a thing about that. Another early childhood incident I remember is being bitten by a big dog when i was around four. It was a golden labrador and I had wanted to pet it. The lady came out and wrapped a t-towel around my arm and gave me an apple then sent me home. We had a dog when I was young, it went when I was about 9 and I have no clear recollection of it at all, I dont even remember its name or what colour it was. I think it followed me to school one morning but I don't know. Anyway that was what I meant I remember these things from almost 35-40 years ago and I don't remember what I had for dinner last night. I recently read an article that says for most people their earliest memory is between 3-5 years old. The scientistsseem to think that this is because in early chilhood or brains are still growing and forming and all the neural pathways aren't yet mapped out. It is only after they are that we start remembering.

Kittens - or baby Rabbits

There are at least 2 kittens left. We had a peek yesterday and they are blind hairless squirmy things. Quite yucky looking and not at all cute!
Dunno why but I think baby rabbits are called kittens. Actually I think they used to be called rabbits and the generic name was Coney, but nowadays they are all called rabbits - better go and google it before I make more of a fool of myself.

Black Hole

Im being sucked in again to that massive dark hole that constantly hangs in front of me.
I cannot see through welled up but as yet unshed tears.
There is agony in each passing moment, \i feel pain in my heart.
I feel dragged towards a spiralling depth that \i dont want to go to.
I cry out for relief - but none comes...

Sadness

Shit ending to a shit week. My 2nd daughter S phoned today to say that she has lost her baby. She was 10 weeks pregnant. I cant stop crying.
Edited 25th October - Just found out she was actually 14 1/2 weeks and it was a girl. They named her Hope which I think is beautiful and so sweetly sad.

HTML - arrrggghhh

I have just spent the last two hours trying to work out just how to add a list of the Blogs I read to the sidebar. Nothing seemed to work. After many attempts I now at least sort of have it in although I seem to have developed stray lines ------- from somewhere!

Bad Week

On Tuesday P fell out out with me and didn't speak to me from about 5pm. I find the strain of it just to much and for the first time in months I resorted to self-harm. How do you describe why? Its like the physical pain of having the scissors or knife bite into your flesh absolves the pain inside. The tension of conflict gives me an actual pain - like an elastic band round my heart - in my chest. I feel so disappointed in myself now. I had been doing well. On Wednesday I got up and went out for the day before he had even got up.
Whilst I was out Snowdrop (Our Albino lop-eared Rabbit)had her kittens. Unfortunately Flakey was still in with her. P went out to feed them and found 3 dead and mutilated kittens. One headless. He put Flakey back in his own cage but horses bolted and all that! When I came home I went and took the dead kittens out of the hutch. Couldnt find the head so I started to rummage in the corner when I heard a definite mewling and a small movement - There must be at least one baby left. I quickly covered it back up and just have to hope that Snowy won't abandon it.
Anyway P was very upset and he phoned me whilst I was out to tell me. When I got home it was like the previous night had never happenned.