Mothers Day Blues

Its mothers day - I have 4 children yet no cards no phone calls - nothing. Was I such a crap mum? I even trid phoning 2 of them but they were both too busy to talk - tried phoning my own mother but as usual no-one is home. \i'm so depressed I dont see any point any more. This is my first mothers day with no children and its just going to get worse and worse. \\\\\i want to get the stanley knife and cut 4 deep grooves in my arm to equal the 4 deep grooves in my heart. I want to cut all my hair off but i dont have the motivation to movee out of bed to go find the knife or the sissors (sp?) I just want to howl.

Theraputic Community

I started the Theraputic Community yesterday, it was not quite what I had expected. I dont really know what I did expect but it was less structured than I thought.
I did seem to see references to my own life, thoughts and situation in a lot of what people said.
On the way home I was reading a book "the Lighthouse" by PD James. Not exactly brilliant but for just a couple of chapters lines just seened to keep jumping out at me and resonate with my thoughts and mood.
pg42 "she felt threatened by the power of his will"
pg56 "Like all beauty, it both solaced and disturbed"
There was another line about solitude causing introspection but I cant find it now.

Today I felt very uncomfortable. There was a lot of tension and unspoken aggression between 3 of the folks. I actually felt so uncomfortable I thought about going home. In the afternoon this actually escalated to verbal aggression and I was thinking "If it's like this every day I dont think I'll be back!" Elaine the Art therapist must have noticed how uncomfortable I felt c os she brought it up just before we left.
Tomorrow is psychodrama so I think i'm looking forward to it - maybe!

DOH!

As I was drifting off to sleep this afternoon I was reherssing my presentation in my head and I remember thinking that i had added some really good bits to it but when I woke up I forgot what they were!

Theraputic Community Presentation

I have a 10 minute presentation to prepare for the Theraputic Community for next week. This is my plan so far:
Introduction, age, family circumstances at present, including the dogs :-)
My Issues are: Depression, Self-harm, control, anxiety, and an Inability to maintain close relationships successfully.
For most of my adult life I have sufferred from depression which from time to time has been severe. I have tried to kill myself several times, usually at crisis points. I have also spent most of my life running away from my problems. In 20/25 years I had 36 addresses and 7 partners. When a problem cropped up I just ran away from it. Although in the past 10 i've managed to keep one partner and 1 address.
In my childhood I was Physically and emotionally abused by my mother and sexually abused by my father. I have 3 younger brothers and a sister. Incest was endemic in our family and I feel so much guilt about this. We did not realise that this was not normal behaviour until we were well into puberty. I have almost no contact with my birth family, but have lots of emotions and feelings surrounding them which I cannot seem to put behind me.
I have problems with anger and it is a control issue for me. I hate being out of control so much that I no longer drink, take drugs... or show anger. I still have control issues with spending.
However I have 5-7 nightmares each week and most of these involve extreme violence.
Over the last 5 years my depression has been almost constant. My father also abused 2 of my daughters and I have had to deal with both this and the resultant court case. I now have very little contact with my daughters and I feel so guilty over this. I blame myself for the fact that they were abused and I think they blame me too.
Over the last year I have been Attending Sunnyside Royal Hospital in Montrose one or two days a week. I do feel that this has helped me enormously and whereas I could not travel on public transport alone over the last 5 years over the last month I have been able to do so because of the support I received about my anxiety.
What I hope to gain from the community is a safe environment where I can explore the issues I have and hopefully be able to successfully find closure on many of them.

Not quite 10 minutes yet but getting there I think. Just counted - about 6 so far.

Running

All my life I've been running away from things. At 17 I ran away to London, when that got to heavy I ran home. 36 Addresses in 20 years, 4 long term partners - my motto must have been when the going gets tough ... get going. But now I've stopped. I've stayed in one place and with one partner for long enough to see that the answer isn't running away. Yes, there are times I still want to, or to just give up, to curl up and die, but I realise now that I have to face up to things. Thinking about what i'll say for my Theraputic Community interveiw made me realise this. I just hope i'm strong enough to face up to it.

warm and fuzzy

I was feeling pretty down, just sitting in bed watching TV, when Rowan my cocker spaniel dog came up behind me and just lay for 5 mins with her head on my shoulder. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It's strange how feeling that the dog loves you makes such a big difference to your life.

Monday Morning Moans

I've been up since 4am. It's now 8.20am and I could easily go back to bed now. I'm getting tired and cold. My feet are freezing. But being Monday I have to go out in 45mins to do the shopping etc. I never felt less like it. It was still dark at 7.30 this morning so I will need my bike lights when I go out tomorrow morning. The nights draw in quickly and winter will soon be here. Can't decide whether or not to set the fire as i'm going out and will probably just go to bed when I come back. It would keep the rest of the house warm I suppose. Just can't be bothered moving now.